Saturday, August 30, 2014

Positives about being an Aspie video I found on youtube, and my thoughts on being an Aspie

Below is a good video on the positive/gifts of having Aspergers Syndrome/Autism that I found on youtube. I can really relate to all of what she says. I am the same way. My two main special interests are dance and autism, but music and dance are intertwined. Music has always been a calming, stress releasing kind of thing. I also have to say that my intellectualization and practical approach to my emotions are what makes me able to take steps like now finally with my depression to get help, try medication and seek a counselor as well. So although severe depression, suicide and generalized anxiety are common co-morbids to Aspergers and other forms of autism, it's my Aspie mindset that helped me be able to see a practical solution and seek help. It's also my Aspie nature to post openly about my challenges in order to help others going through similar issues, not feel so isolated and alone. I could also relate the the loyalty and trying to fix every friendship and misunderstanding even with people who hurt me and behave not like a real friend. I will also sometimes get confused if a person who stabbed me in the back or was unkind, then becomes nice to me. I get hopeful and even now, for a split second, default to the mode of "now they are my best friend again," when in reality, they are just being manipulative or playing games/politics, or both. It's definitely made me more guarded than I used to be, although the Aspergers and my introversion has also made me a little guarded. I just used to be more quick to trust anybody who was nice to me, and I over relied on people's words, but would get upset when they didn't match actions or sometimes even intentions. Aspies tend to be people of our word, but the NT world is often more about telling people what they want to hear, rather than the truth. I'd rather the truth every time. Also I am more leery of romantic relationships because in every one so far, men have tried to "fix" me. NEWSFLASH: I am not broken. I need a partner, and somebody who accepts me, stims, quirks and all, rather than judges me. I need to be comfortable being able to dance around and hop up and pace, and sing silly songs, and fidget with clasps, my ring, my keys, my shoe laces, the zippers on my boots, to cover my mouth, to sometimes look down while talking, when I am at home. When and if, only if I find that loyal, non-judging, non patronizing man, who also supports my goals and dreams, and who wants to share in them and/or has a parallel vision/dream will I settle down again. Part of my recent depressive/suicidal episode has been exacerbated by my desire since I was a small child to be a wife and mother, to have kids of my own, and now that I am 46, almost 47, I am having to face that that dream as far as biological children is probably gone, and I won't adopt without a supportive partner, who is a partner, and who loves me for me, how I am NOW, not what they want to change in me to fit an idealized fantasy. It's a long post and I hope you watch the video.