Sunday, July 1, 2012

Some people died, others got really ill or had some other serious private issues, I am still sad about it all but life goes on and why is this blog entry title so long, geeze lady shut up already!

Please forgive me, I have sinned, it's been 2 months since my last blog entry...

What happened? Have I been dating some gorgeous, wonderful man? Nope. And I've kind of noticed that this blog seems to just want to be a person blog about anything it wants to be about which may include dating and being over forty but also will probably inculde other topics, including some personal essays in the memoir category of things per a couple or few requests from some writer firends of mine.

Anyway...here's some highlights and lowlights of what's been happening. The bad news is that some really great people close to me or close to people close to me to put it bluntly died suddenly in the past two months. The first shock was when a really dear and amazing woman named Tina was found dead in her apartment about three full days after she had passed away unexpectantly. She was just a rare and special type of person who cared about everyone and I don't mean in an always nicey nice rose glasses kind of a way. She would definitely call you out on your crap and let you know if your head was way up your ass, but all because she wanted everyone not to be perfect but to be happy and well. Everybody who knew her misses her every day and that is an under statement. I deeply regret that when I was in Los Angeles last November, things didn't coordinate well with both of our schedules so we could see each other or she could make my birthday party.

This is why it's important to cherish people in our lives and I am really really bad at physical world appreciative actions a lot of the time. Telepathy just doesn't work for most people and it's kind of lazy anyway. Sending good vibes is pretty easy. But for some reason picking up the phone is really fucking dificult for me and increasingly I enjoy connecting vie the phone, not counting texting even less than I used to and it's never been a favorite activity. This is turining into a tangent isn't it?

A few days after Tina left the world, I noticed there was an email from my ex-boyfriend in my inbox. I assumed it was one of those nostalgic email you get or send out of curiosity or lonliness and because I was in a puddle of tears when I wasn't working, I couldn't face opening it. So I did what any good avoider would do, I ignored it for a few more days. It kept nagging at me. Not litterally. So no, the email wasn't whining things like "Annette when are you going to open me?" It just kept entering my mind because actually my ex had been suddenly on my mind for a couple weeks all of a sudden. I finally got the guts to open it and the bottom fell out of my core even more than it already was because it was an email telling me some really terrible news about his life which I won't go into specifics about because it's not my story to tell at this point in time and I promised not to say anything specific about it in my blog. Eventhough he and I are not together and we have no romantic feelings for each other because most likely both of us were actually in love with other people at the time we were dating (or I thought I was but it was a combination of extreme chemistry and lust mixed with some past life stuff which can almost always get me really confused and discombobulated, again another blog topic) where was I? Try again Annette. Although he and I aren't together and considering the whole STD which it turns out he didn't give me and it ending with me being pretty angry, I do not wish anybody I care about or know to be going through pain of any type. I really prefer to imagine all my friends and exes even my ex husband, leading happy, healthy, wonderful lives whether I'm in them or not. It's just easier and then I don't have to worry about them. Which is why when I don't hear from folks, I do worry because sometimes silence means they are going through serious shit and they are embarrassed to share it or ask for help or they like me are just avoiding even looking at it and talking about it with someone would mean looking at it.

At that point I was begging the Universe to please just stop with the crap happening to friends and anymore good people having to leave the world because the world, lets face it needs more good and great people, not less. But no, a few days after that a very close friend of my brothers who is healthy as pick your favorite cliched simile ender and insert it here, has a massive heart attack and goes into a coma, then dies about a week and a half later, leaving behind a wife and family. Really!!! Enough!!!!! Please Angel of Death FUCK OFF and leave everybody alone thanks. But nope he's a mother fucker who doesn't seem to take a vacation ever and he saved his best trick for the most recent death.

This time, he had a drunk driver kill in a hit and run accident the thriteen year old nephew Max of my wonderful writer friend, Brenda. I cannot even fathom the pain she and her family are going through. She was raising him and his brother. The brother was also in the accident but survived. The boys' mother as well. But the loss of a child just entering into an important phase of his life and a child becoming a young man. It's crazy and makes no sense. Again just thinking of it and feeling even a piece of Brenda's pain makes me cry. It's too awful. All I can do is sigh and that feels paltry and trivial.

In the midst of all this I continue to work long hours at my job which is also intense because of issues my client's family is going through on top of the reason why he's my client which I can't and won't go into for ethic and legal reasons. And after work Tuesday through Friday and then all afternoon on Saturday which is a day off, I go to dance classes where I'm beginning to meet people but no single guy prospects which is fine. Dancing isn't an escape from the recent pain of others and of loss or of my deeper pain stemming from childhood trauma, past marriage trauma and other trauma. It's trying to be a healing release for all of that if I allow the energy to work it's "magic." And that's hard because sometimes it brings out to the surface all of that pain and opens up old wounds and I want to weep or tears just come which then makes me really uncomfortable and embarrased and I stiffen up or feel like being hostile. The hardest is being in this frame of mind or when this healing potential happens while I'm having difficulty with a step with a leader who's strategy is to just pull/push me physically through it which just hurts my body and makes it almost impossible not to cry so I lash out by snapping at the poor guy instead of requesting in a softer way later on that they not manhandle me when I get off time or mess up but just continue or wait until I'm back on track which only takes a second.

But the good news really is that I've rediscovered the joy of dancing again. My ex husband hasn't suddenly turned up in Arizona, at the Arrowhead Arthur Murray studio. Why would he when he doesn't even know where I am and when we haven't spoke to each other for years? The passion and intense drive to learn and perfect my technique as well as to dance as much as possible whenever I can that I had from age nine to thirteen and again in college is returning. I'm enjoying pushing my body and mind and spirit to go further and noticing when and where I need to strengthen it so that part will be able to move easier and hopefully painlessly so my dancing improves. If I can relax and let the energy heal my psyche as well as my body, I can really work on connecting with my partners and also on connecting with people again in general. It's a good thing.

I'm writing some again. I love writing. People tell me I'm good at it. I think it's tied for second with a couple other creative hobbies I do sometimes or maybe it's in third place. But dancing has always been number one. I really hope and pray that I don't allow any type of heart break take me away from it again. Oh and before I wax into a puddle of mushy mushy soppiness and extra adjectives, I am participating in my first showcase at the end of August! Please come cheer me on!