Sunday, April 15, 2012

Flaming Meat and Other Delicate Areas

Again my weekly blog became not so weekly. I will work. No I am working on being more disciplined and also on not making excuses for my lack of consistency in posting. But on to the actual subject of this week's blog which is both still stuck on my attempts at not becoming bitter, hostile and apathetic towards dating, men and romance in general as well as pushing myself to embrace a new life in the deserts of Arizona while forcing myself to explore previously untried strategies for meeting new friends as well as a few I have already tried.

So maybe I can skip retreading and move on to some observations and then conclude with what I hope are my next steps. I do need to recap a little. In the first blog I mentioned that I feared I was possibly in love with a good friend who either didn't or couldn't reciprocate those feelings. Since then I have explored that and come to a couple conclusions which are: one, that it was attachment and genuine caring, over shadowed by extreme lust, the latter because he fits into a previously denied physical type preference as well as a personality type preference. I could go more into the metaphysical aspects as well, but I am resisting that area at least for now; two, I got some private replies from men from my past who I suspect maybe thought I was writing about them when actually it wasn't them I was writing about at all.

This leads me into the next set of challenges I face within myself to working on having more healthy relationships with men. The first one is related to my fight against apathy and bitterness. This is very difficult to put and will work into the second challenge I want to address which is how not to avoid irreparably bruising the fragile male ego and I know what I am about to type may hurt and/or offend some men, including friends that I care about. However, from talking to other women, I know I am not alone in my observations at all. I'm stalling I know. So here goes...

When did men as far as the dating world is concerned start acting like chicks?

I'll just let that float there a second...

Now of course I don't mean that I want some dude to drag my by my hair into a cave or control me or hit me or tell me what to do. Nor do I say that I refuse to ever take the initiative as far as approaching men or in other areas of my relationships with them are concerned. And I'm not saying that we all have to be trapped into strictly gender roles. I just mean that part of each gender's fascination with the other (if they are fascinated in that way i.e. perhaps this particular blog has a definite heterosexual bent given that I am on that spectrum more on that end, but perhaps my friends who aren't can comment on if the equivalent is happening in non-heterosexual relationships) is that we are not alike and that this difference is part of, if not the main thrust of the attraction between male and female.

What do I mean by this feminization issue? I refer to an overt expressed neediness that in the past was usually part of the male perception of certain female behaviors which women use with each other to exhibit caring but which men perceive as a ploy to get their attention and what can kill their attraction pretty quickly or what can turn a woman off if he accuses her of being needy when she does something like phone/text him daily or multiple times a day to see how he is doing too soon during the dating process. And then the female tendency to phone/text more and ask the man why he doesn't call/text her very much anymore.

The difficulty here, is that the check in phone call/text when initiated by the male during the early stages of the dating process, is part of the initial courtship phase. So the challenge for us women is to know when and if and how often to respond and in the case of texting, how long to continue or even if to text at all. And of course to manage all of this without bruising the aforesaid male ego, unless of course she is attempting to convey a lack of interest in him so he will stop contacting her.

I think I'm still dancing around my issues here. I'm loathe to go into details of a couple recent interactions, one in particular because although I'm almost certain I have lost all romantic and sexual initial excitement for dating this person, I have not lost the desire to maintain a friendship and continue an association with him as a creative colleague. So I'm stuck figuring out how to manage male energy while maintaining my attraction to it as men seem to become increasingly feminized in both their approach to dating and their expectations from women which in my perception seem to be that they want us to court and motivate them to be interested in us so that they can be passive and yet conversely communicating that they are turned off when we become too masculine in our approach.

Honestly, I was tempted to title this blog:

"Boys, Pull Your Panties Out of Your Ass Crack, Grow Some Balls and Man the Fuck Up."

But then that says more about my bitterness and apathy as well as my anger which I've commented on already ad nauseum and yet can't seem to escape from. But maybe instead, I could start focusing on the confusion, pressures and issues that both men and women face while we attempt or choose not to tackle the post-post-post-modern highly technologically influenced and therefore physically ungrounded dating world, when in fact at the core we are still hard-wired in certain ways to be attracted to certain things based on our own individual gender identification and what gender our brain and/or psychological makeup is.

I'm not sure where to go from here on this topic. I've pretty much avoided sharing any recent details for the most part. My goal for the next blog is to intentionally push myself to try a class or speed-dating or an organization like Events and Adventures or even just a couple local bars and report on what happens there. I know for sure that I'm taking a break from online dating, including serious flirtations on facebook. Although I may write a future column on the male social media stalker and messages such as "I enjoyed your recent profile photo wildly" and it's creepy implications that men on my facebook list might potentially be masturbating to images of just my face. Blech..... Also not manly. So until next time, hopefully next Sunday but I'm not making any promises, happy dating or not dating and please don't jerk off to anything I post or if you do don't tell me about it. I really don't want to know.